Life after Love: a New Canadian’s Tale
No. 23
Hi and welcome!
This week we’re stepping up our partnership with China30s.com that allows us to share, in English, nonfiction stories and experiences of ordinary Chinese people. These submissions come from people who are not professional writers but who are passionate about storytelling.
This issue’s story, which is set in Canada, is about a Chinese woman who finds herself trapped in a bad marriage thousands of miles from her homeland. The piece is from a Shanghai-based author who goes by the name Youyou, and who succinctly describes herself as a “middle-aged woman who likes writing.”
The piece is about low self-esteem, but it’s also speaks to the inherent loneliness felt by many immigrants, regardless of nationality.
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Life after Love: A New Canadian’s Tale
Credit: Owen Farmer from Unsplash.
By Youyou
Gazing through the French window of the library, I noticed the ground was covered by a thick snow from the night before. Ruowei Du walked towards me, smiling and waving.
We hadn’t seen each other for eight months and she looked different to what I remembered. Her eyes and complexion were brighter, and her body was thinner. She wore a Western-style suit jacket and a sleek ponytail.
We hugged and greeted each other. We sat down, and she said to me: “I got divorced.”
This did not surprise me at all. Instead, I felt relieved.
1.
The first time I saw Ruowei was six years ago, on a sunny winter morning after snow just like today.
I was a settlement worker at ISKA, a non-profit organization for immigration, funded by the Department of Immigration in Canada. We provided specialized services to new migrants, especially those from China.
The population of the city I lived in was only 110,000 and it was famous for high numbers of retirees. There wasn’t much business, but there was a beautiful landscape and long history. The locals often commented that the biggest employers were schools and hospitals. Because of the shortage of job opportunities there were few migrants and not many Chinese.
I worked with a woman named Gaitree. Sipping her first coffee of the day, she told me my client had arrived. Gaitree noted that this client seemed upset and looked like she’d been crying.
I checked my schedule and my 9.30 am appointment was a Chinese person named Ruowei Du. She was a new migrant and had entered Canada two months ago.
My first impression of Ruowei was gloomy.
She was wearing a Chinese embroidered coat which was unsuitable for her age, and her hair was scraped into a bun. Her face looked dark and weary without makeup. She had slim black eyebrows and big lifeless eyes.
She sat opposite me with her back straight and her hands held together on her knees. Her eyes were on me, but she was nervous. She opened her mouth and tried to say something, but her eyes turned red and filled with water.
I got her a drink and allowed her to calm down.
The reason why Ruowei made an appointment was to find a job, either in our organization or in any relevant government projects. Typically, new arrivals were students with offers from local schools, or working adults with offers from a company.
This was my first time seeing a migrant like Ruowei and her husband who did not have a plan for studies or work. They had no social network, yet chose the city without hesitation.
Before I asked the question, Ruowei answered:
My husband made the choice. Before we migrated, we saw a promo of this city. The landscape and scenery were breathtaking and he loved it. So, here we are.
I privately thought what a romantic and thoughtless decision and gave her some forms to fill in as procedure. Her English was pretty good and her handwriting was beautiful. According to the work experience on the forms, Ruowei used to be a teacher in China.
Of course, almost every new immigrant shares a similar experience in that no matter how prepared they are before migrating to a new country, they still feel culture shock. Not only do immigrants experience the huge differences in social systems, customs, and living habits, but they also need to start everything from beginning, with their previous qualifications and work experience rendered almost meaningless.
I knew of no immigrants achieving the same as they had in the past, the majority taking any job that will earn money to feed their families.
But, Ruowei did not hold any unrealistic expectations, which was a good thing. (I had come to the realization that the more disappointment immigrants felt with their new environment, the harder it was to adjust.)
As we closed our conversation, Ruowei stopped for a moment before she asked me:
I... could you please do me a favor to talk to my husband? He has not been coping very well recently. He would lose his temper if I tried to reason with him, but he might listen to the advice of a professional.
Ruowei’s husband had been cranky and temperamental. They had a big fight on the way to my office.
This wasn’t uncommon for new immigrants. After the honeymoon period with excitement, curiosity, and anticipation, the reality and psychological gap generates frustration, making many people anxious and moody. Those who are not good at adjusting tend to unleash negative feelings on those close to them. I knew several cases of couples that broke up due to the conflicts that were intensified in similar situations.
I told Ruowei of this common struggle. Her eyes lit up a bit. She seemed relieved. Ruowei said goodbye and I walked her out. However, her stride seemed numb and hesitant.
I did not hear anything from Ruowei’s husband.
Credit: Renan Kamikoga on Unsplash.
2.
During a summer after I met Ruowei, my husband, Kin, redeemed some membership points to stay in a holiday cottage. I invited Ruowei and her husband to go together. As it was redemption rewards, we just needed to split the gas and food bill. She said that she would consult with Zhijiang and get back to me. One day later, she said that they would join.
There, I finally met the man we had discussed—Zhijiang Yan, Ruowei's husband.
Although he was our age, Zhijiang appeared to be younger, with a kind of artistic style. This made sense because he was indeed an artist. Starting with oil painting, Zhijiang then trained as a traditional Chinese landscape painter, before falling in love with Sinology.
It explained why Ruowei was always wearing Chinese-style embroidered clothes—they were all from Zhijiang.
Zhijiang seemed to be a very humorous and interesting new friend. He made jokes throughout the trip, while being knowledgeable about a range of topics. More surprisingly, he cooked delicious meals that looked and tasted almost restaurant quality. Kin and I were often speechless and kept eating and eating. We then complained about our poor cooking skills, as we would either cook noodles for each other or buy breakfast in chain restaurants like Tim Hortons.
Ruowei just smiled at the side when Kin and I practically fought over the leftovers.
However, there was one thing that made me feel very uncomfortable: Zhijiang's attitude towards Ruowei. Zhijiang was the one making all the decisions and kept bossing Ruowei around. I felt it was unbalanced, but they seemed to ignore this.
One morning, Ruowei was just about to go downstairs. She was wearing a blue maxi dress with a slit down the side. As she moved, her legs were partly revealed. Kin and I loved the look and said she looked gorgeous. Zhijiang was sitting next to us at the table, and the moment he saw Ruowei, he frowned as if something was wrong.
Zhijiang said sharply:
Look at yourself. What are you wearing? It is ugly!
Ruowei’s smile froze, and she just stood there, not sure if she should go up or get down. Allowing no space to explain, Zhijiang asked Ruowei to get changed. I argued that it was a beautiful dress and the slit was not high at all.
I could tell that Ruowei liked that dress, and it was a great fit on her as well. However, Zhijiang obviously did not think so. He went upstairs, grabbed Ruowei's arm, and escorted her back to the room. When I walked upstairs, I heard Zhijiang’s grumpy noises. I pretended that I did not hear anything.
One night later, I could not pretend anymore.
With table set, dishes ready, and glasses filled, we were just about to enjoy ourselves with a great dinner. Before we started, Zhijiang asked us to keep the one plate clean, as he had made desserts for later.
Not long after, the dining table was a mess. I looked around, everyone's plates, including Zhijiang's, were all dirty. But, Ruowei's wasn’t.
The plate in front of her was still shiny and clean.
“Teacher Yan said that we shall not make them dirty,” Ruowei said, fully obeying her husband's order. They called each other Teacher Yan (Zhijiang) and Teacher Du (Ruowei).
“Look how dirty his own plates are!” I reasoned. I couldn’t help but point at Zhijiang's plates and commenting. Zhijiang glanced down, shrugged his shoulders, and raised his eyebrows, appearing to say: “What’s the big deal?”
“Teacher Yan asked not to make them dirty, so I didn’t,” Ruowei explained again. She did not understand why I was reacting.
Kin piled up his and my plates and handed them to me to wash.
“Ruowei will wash them,” Zhijiang said to me. Then, he faced Ruowei, raised his chin up, and said, “Teacher Du.” Ruowei stood up right away, saying, “Let me do it."
I had not realized the level to which Ruowei would obey Zhijiang. It was almost subconscious and unconditional.
Zhijiang continued to urge Ruowei to wash the dishes. Ruowei followed me to the kitchen, wanting to get the plates, but I insisted. Then, she stood aside, waited until I finished washing them, and followed me back into the dining room.
Zhijiang saw me with the dishes, and glanced at Ruowei again with a disapproving face. Ruowei lowered her head and looked down on the floor, without saying anything.
3.
After the trip, I had several conversations with Ruowei to learn about how she met, fell in love, and married Zhijiang.
Ruowei came from a scholarly family where both of her parents worked as teachers. She grew up with strict discipline and was forced to concentrate on studying. As a teenage girl, she rarely had new clothes. She had no make-up, no accessories, no dolls, or any other typical girly things.
This was not because they couldn’t afford it, but because Ruowei’s mother believed that everything that might distract her from studying should be banned. As a result, Ruowei couldn’t even speak to boys from her school. Her mother’s attitude belittled the idea of boys, which only made Ruowei become more distant from them.
Ruowei sighed:
I had a tough teenage life.
She once revealed that she had a crush on a senior student in college which lasted six years but never took a step forward to talk to him.
After graduation, her parents began to worry about Ruowei’s marriage prospects. Her mother could not stop talking about getting married, and the pressures not only came from the family but also from her colleagues. There was one time that she was forced to go on a blind date with a doctor who came from America.
Finally, she met Zhijiang at 27.
Ruowei thought Zhijiang was her soul mate who brought salvation to her life.
She was surprised by the similarity between herself and Zhijiang during their first conversation. They shared the same interests in art, literature, and philosophy. She was fascinated with things that Zhijiang liked, such as the opera, museums, ancient cultures, wood carving, and embroidery.
With no romantic experience, Ruowei viewed Zhijiang as the perfect man, who fulfilled all her dreams of a lifelong partner. She fell in love blindly and got married quickly.
4.
Zhijiang didn't reveal his bad temper at the beginning. As time went by, he began to belittle her and insult Ruowei. He called her stupid and made sarcastic remarks. Zhijiang didn’t care about her feelings or whether he made her embarrassed in public.
Their first truly unpleasant conversation occurred when they went rowing in Central Park in New York. The cozy sunshine in September failed to ease the tension between them as Ruowei tried to convince Zhijiang to be more considerate of her. It became a quarrel and ended with Ruowei’s heartbroken tears and apologies.
Credit: Yasmin Dangor on Unsplash.
To Zhijiang his comments seemed to be nothing but jokes and teasing. Ruowei was blamed for being too sensitive and narrow-minded. Zhijiang claimed that if Ruowei couldn’t put up with his jokes then there would be no fun in their life together.
Ruowei emphasized the word “fun” that Zhijiang used in his argument.
She said:
It is normal to have disagreements in married life, just like you and Kin. You always make fun of each other, but you also give each other sincere compliments. There is a mutual respect between you two, but I can't find this in my relationship with Zhijiang.
When Ruowei reflected on her past, she realized that growing up in a structured environment with strict discipline had a direct impact on her social life, especially when she stepped into adulthood. She had become a rigid person who suffered from a lack of flexibility.
Perhaps because of her love for Zhijiang or the ideas she picked up in childhood, Ruowei accepted a relationship model where she was consistently being placed in an inferior position.
It wasn’t until Ruowei had been told by almost all the people in her life that her relationship with Zhijiang was problematic that she realized her pain was buried so deep in her heart that it had paralyzed her mind. Once she was aware she couldn’t deceive herself any longer.
5.
The fourth year after Ruowei arrived in Canada, the government of Ontario started to cut down funding on education due to the financial deficit. Many middle and small scale schools were combined or closed. The international language course Ruowei taught was cancelled.
Ruowei lost her job and her income. She lived off unemployment insurance. The school paid for one month’s career consultation, which she used hoping to get another job as soon as possible. Zhijiang did not have stable earnings as an artist.
Ruowei suffered greatly during this time. Short on money, Zhijiang become more and more grumpy. He called Ruowei “nothing but a deadbeat,” while still pushing her to hurry up in finding a job. Any little thing could cause him to lose his temper, even with guests at home.
The last straw was during a typical weekend.
A few friends were playing cards with Ruowei and Zhijiang after dinner. The dynamic would generally be easier and happier at home. With light music, warm lights, and laughter, Zhijiang was a fun friend.
Ruowei and Zhijiang were in one group, playing against another group. But, Ruowei was not good at card games. She was always dragged into playing to make the numbers even. Zhijiang kept telling Ruowei how to play, calculating every time they won or lost. She got more nervous when Zhijiang instructed her. The harder she tried to let Zhijiang win, the more she failed.
In one round, Ruowei made a critical mistake, and they lost the game.
Zhijiang burst into anger, pointing to Ruowei’s nose, calling her a “no brain.”
The atmosphere froze into awkwardness. Their friends tried to ease the situation by finishing the game and saying goodbye.
After they left, Ruowei went into the living room to wipe away her tears.
There she finally made her decision.
Youyou is a middle-aged woman in Shanghai who likes writing.